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Źle, źle i źle. Pochłania mnie źle pojęte życie osobiste.
Dziś w nocy miałam sen: leciałam, zwisałam nad światem to na jednym, to na drugim skrzydle, a głos znikąd i zewsząd pouczał:
Gdybyś swój drogocenny oddech oddała większej sprawie, gdybyś perły intelektu i samorodki peror swoich wciskała w ramy prozy i poezji, rozsiewając je tam obficie i bez liku, cóż wtedy by było? Dobrze by było. Lepiej. Niestety, ocean twej wyobraźni pełen złoto-perłowych wykwitów intelektu zmarnowany, wychlustany w czarną dziurę tępych typów, tego obecnego i poprzednich.
Obudziłam się z tym snem pod powiekami, trzeźwa i ze znakiem zapytania. Aż tak źle jest?
Błąd za błędem, talent zmarnowany, życie źle spędzone? Teraz tylko głową w mur walić, samorodkiem zagryzać, na perle zęby łamać? Rozpacz i płacz smętny, obfity?
Postanowiłam: oddawać się zacznę wyłącznie poezji, prozie, dramatowi, zamiast przepadać w odmętach zmysłów, natomiast w tym felietonie oddam się dywagacjom.
Ostatnio podróżowałam i ciągle coś się wydarzało ciekawego, jakaś historia, jak to się mówi smakowita, miała miejsce. Nie jestem pewna, czy każdemu te historie posmakują, ale zapewniam, że są prawdziwe i krwiste.
Pierwsza wydarzyła się w Greifswaldzie w Niemczech. Odbyło się tam miesiąc temu czytanie fragmentów mojej sztuki Pisarz, logiczne więc, że siedząc w żakieciku w listki, opowiadałam różne historie o pisarzach. Twierdziłam mianowicie, że jest to zawód wysokiego ryzyka, czego dowodzi choćby ostatni atak na Salmana Rushdiego. Powiedziałam też, że nieszczęśni pisarze wyobrażają sobie, że mogą pisać o wszystkim i żaden instynkt samozachowawczy ich nie ostrzega, bo jest popsuty (u niektórych) w zadziwiający sposób. Wspomniałam Dostojewskiego, który za dyskusje literackie trafił na katorgę, oraz Bułhakowa, który naiwnie wierzył, że sztuka Młody Stalin pomoże mu wrócić do oficjalnego pisania, a która to sztuka ostatecznie go zabiła.
Po dyskusji panelowej podszedł do mnie widz i pogratulował odwagi sięgnięcia w rozmowie po pisarzy rosyjskich.
Długo o tym potem myślałam.
Czy to, że Rosja stanęła po stronie zła, wymazuje właśnie jej twórców z przestrzeni literatury? Czy to możliwe?
Chyba nie, myślałam.
A co jeśli wymazuje? Jeśli ten straszny cień, czy ciemność właściwie, ich pochłonie? Naprawdę ich pochłonie?
Przeczytałam ostatnio 1340 stron rozdzielonych dość równo pomiędzy Knausgårda i Houellebecqa: Gwiazda poranna Knausgårda i Unicestwianie Houellebecqa. Obaj czerpią ze światowej literatury, to przecież oczywiste. Knausgård naturalnie wplata w narrację wzmianki o Hemingwayu, Italu Calvinie, Iliadzie i Odysei itd.
Houellebecq jest znany ze swego podziwu dla Dostojewskiego, Manna, Balzaka. W jego Unicestwianiu cały czas padają cytaty: z poezji, literatury, czasem pełne aprobaty, czasem szydercze, jak ten o trzęsieniu ziemi (z Hemingwaya), i super, jasne, że Komu bije dzwon jest częścią jego uwewnętrznionej literatury, głosem poprzedników.
To może się skończyć? Ta międzynarodówka pisarzy?
Oczywiście, ja wciąż mogę czytać, co będę chciała. Czytanie jest czynnością intymną, a ja jestem wolna, o swojej intymności decyduję, jak chcę.
A co, jeśli ja sama odwrócę się ze wstrętem?
Druga historia jest jakoś o tym samym, tylko w innych dekoracjach. Powiedziałabym, że w dekoracjach z operetki. Niemiecki tłumacz Andreas Volk odbierał w Darmstadt w maju tego roku prestiżową nagrodę Karla Dedeciusa za tłumaczenia polskiej dramaturgii współczesnej na niemiecki. Obecny był konsul RP z Kolonii. Ja wygłaszałam laudację. Po wszystkim konsul nie przywitał się z laureatem, nie pogratulował mu, o sobie nawet nie wspomnę. Sprawdziłam później, że 2019 roku otrzymał on tytuł Konsula Roku.
Czy ten cień ma dalej pochłaniać? Co my na to? Dokąd to prowadzi?
16-11-2022
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